A Most Unlikely Sage
by NeonZangetsu
Summary: I was weak. No amount of stomping or whining could change this indisputable fact. When the chips were down, when it mattered most, when everyone counted on me, I lost. I needed strength, but I refused to sell my soul. So I trained. I learned. And I became something...more. A true Sage. Sure. Let me help someone like me. I'll make sure they succeed. Narutoxharem. Vote Via Review!
1. A Most Unlikely Sage

**A/N: DOUBLE UPDATE DAY! HERE WE GO! Depending on how this goes, you might even get a triple.**

**WARNING!**

**ALTERNATE UNIVERSE AHOY!**

**So expect the unexpected again.**

***EDIT* There we go! Let the series continue!**

**Could the trolls please stop? I've had to delete twenty-TWENTY!-reviews of nasty vitriol in the last hour or so and its making me upset. I've also had a rather nasty chap known as "Doom Marine" chanting at me to kill myself in the review section of my recent stories. Look if you don't believe me. Jokes on him though, that's not my real name.**

***Secondary Edit***

**I published this earlier, but the notification only came now? I don't know why? Notifications are being delayed again? I don't know? How many times has this happened in the last month? No one is to blame for it of course, the site just goes wonky sometimes. Really kills my drive to write though...**

**Because this hasn't gotten any reviews for this chapter...**

**Only flames...cruel...nasty, vicious flames...**

**...and that makes me a sad boy.**

**So...reviews? Please?**

**Pretty please?**

**T_T**

**This may be rated M later for...reasons.**

**Oooooooooooooooooh my Gooooooooooooooooood! **

**Someone just had to do it. They just had to challenge me.**

**Neon, they said, you have to do this, they said. For the fans. For the reviews. For the sheer unadulterated hilarity!**

**I've been dealing with some really heavy shit in life, but this request was so simple, so pure, so NARUTO that I just had to do it.**

**Well, there were also the trolls, and I DID say I'd keep putting out stories until they shut their traps. As they're still jabbering on-deleted fifty reviews full of vitriol only an hour ago-I'd say this is the perfect way to get back at them. Now, t****he author in question has asked to remain anonymous, so there you are. I'm not giving those flamers a chance to go after them. ****On another note, Kayneth will NEVER summon Naruto. Because lets face it, any proper incarnation of him would beat that smug little prick within an inch of his life. Hmm. Might be something to put in the Collection if folks want to se eit.**

**Once more, Naruto's class is Rider, but there's a catch this time around...!**

**For one, this Rider isn't in the Moon Cell, and I want to see if folks like having him around.**

**He's also possesses the Double Summon skill. In short he's the Rider/Caster crammed together, much like Semiramis was Assassin/Caster in Apocrypha. Yes, before anyone asks he's quite capable of summoning Toads, but his Master...well...that's going to make things a bit difficult for him.**

**Now! I give you a Naruto raised by Jiraiya, an unabashed young ninja who live and may have picked up some..."quirks" from the old sage. *Whistles Innocently***

**Further clarifications aside, his hair is nearly as long as Jiraiya's. The pose he strikes is certainly the same.**

**This Naruto? He's a bit of a troll. We're talking Kakashi levels of messing-with-your-head.**

**He was trained proper. Properly. Jiraiya taught him everything he knew.**

**Every trick. Every jutsu he's ever used in battle and without.**

**He's a right monster in a fight.**

**Again, there's a catch...**

_"Right. That does it. I'm going to make sure you win."_

_"What?! You can't possibly say that! You have no idea who we're up against!"_

_"That's what makes it fun, Master! The excitement! The thrill! Aren't **you** excited about this?!"_

_"No! I'm not! Not at all! And why aren't you listening to me?! You're being way too nonchalant about it!"_

_"Hmm? Am I? You know, when you've already died once, death tends to lose its meaning for you, I suppose..._

_~Rider and Waver._

**A Most Unlikely Sage (True)**

_I trained._

_There was nothing else I could do; rather, there was hardly anything else TO do during those three years abroad. Well, at first, but that bit'll come later. You see, when the ol' pervert dragged me out of the village, I KNEW we were leaving so I could train. __ But were gone for those three years, I had an epiphany. A realization that would change my life and my path forever._

_I was weak; __I needed to get stronger._

_No amount of stomping or whining could change this indisputable fact. I needed strength, but I absolutely refused to sell my soul to do it-looking at you, Sasuke!-but I NEEDED to improve. My limited range of jutsu...it just wasn't going to cut it. Even with the fox helping me, I'd still lost. All the talking and shouting and bragging in the world wasn't going to do me any good. I had to branch out. Learn._

_Then I discovered something else._

_Someone._

_It was Jiraiya's idea that we travel while training. I wasn't aware that he intended for me to LITERALLY see the world._

_You see, that travel plan of ours? Eventually that winding route led us back through Rice Country._

_When we passed through one of the towns I bumped into an old friend._

_Sasame._

_It had been, what, a year since we'd last seen one another? Oh, I remembered her well enough; just as I remembered helping her with Arashi and that god-awful mess. You wouldn't think a year would change someone overmuch, but it did. She was...happy to see me. We sat and talked around the fire for hours on end._

_Someone interested in me._

_Someone who was happy to see me._

_Someone wanting to talk to me, and me alone._

_Me!_

_Think about it for a moment; when the only form of affection you've seen from the fairer sex involves violence...well! You tend to get a bit of a twisted outlook on things. __Why shackle myself to a girl who only ever caused me harm? I would keep my promise of course; because I never go back on my word, but why pine after her when there was someone right in front me? No punching. Did I mention the no punching? They say first crushes are always the hardest to overcome, but I got over that right quick once I realized the truth._

_I think...I think Jiraiya was waiting for me to realize that terrible truth. __That, or he had impeccable timing. _

_That very night he set up me up with her; pushed both of us into a pseudo date of sorts._

_It wasn't unpleasant, but I think we were both too young for that sort of thing._

_Still, it lit a spark._

_And so it went. __I never thought to look back on what might've been. _

_Perhaps I became a bit...off as a result. _

_You see, I still believed in the ideal of true love, but things tend to get a bit complicated when women started hollering marriage proposals after a good lay and a massage. Not necessarily always in that order. Turns out I was a bit of a natural at it once I knew what I was doing. __Still, distracting as it was, I had to train. __And train. And train again._

_But that's were things began to change, you see._

_Now that my mind was opened to so many new things, I wanted to learn more. I wanted to know...everything. Not simply about girls or how the ticked, but about jutsu. How they worked. Why they worked. It was like a veil had fallen away and for the first time in my life I was seeing things as they truly were. I wasn't content to simply master the fox's power, or learn wild variants of the Rasengan. I wanted to branch out. Try new jutsu and expand my repretoire. Expand my knowledge, you know? _

_Regardless, he taught me everything he knew and more._

_I absorbed it all like a sponge; the art of using my hair as a weapon, wicked genjutsu, creating great bogs from the earth itself, and more. It wasn't easy; __I sacrificed and bled, I sweat and I cried; did everything I could not to lay down and die. That's just how difficult the training was. Even with the secret of the shadow clones it took all I had and more to learn his tricks and then bring them up to an acceptable level. Which meant, an outright mastery of them, to the point where I could do them with nearly a single seal. Yeah. Not fun, that. But it paid off, eh?_

_I learned the true secrets of the toads and became a Sage. _

_I faced the fox-Kurama!-and...talked to him. __You'd be amazed by the power of words._

_Once I learned that ancient art I had another epiphany. __People want to talk. Shocking, I know!_

_Now hear me out on this!_

_They want to be understood, right? At the end of the day, when all is said and done, how nice is it to have someone who listens? Very nice. I would know! Be it a girlfriend, a sibling mentor, a father, or a mother; to have one who you can talk to-even if they don't wholly understand you-makes a world of difference, doesn't it?_

_And if I picked up a few habits, a few...eccentricities...what of it?_

_I was happy._

_I got stronger. Much stronger._

_The next time I saw Sasuke beat that insufferable bastard within an inch of his life and dragged him back home. Orochimaru didn't even have a chance to do anything; because I rabbited the hell out of there. I'm no idiot, I ain't fighting that slippery snake unless I absolutely have to._

_So I threw him in front of Sakura and let the Anbu do the rest. Not my problem. Not anymore._

_...he never did get to kill Itachi. When he learned the truth, it was worse. I still remember the screams._

_They still haven't let him out after all these years._

_You know, I almost feel bad for him. He just wanted his little brother to live, but now Sasuke's a raving lunatic. _

_When Jiraiya wanted to go investigate the Akatsuki on his own, I caught him at the gate. Perhaps it was fate. Or just blind bloody luck. Regardless, I spat and swore and argued with him like never before. He still refused to take me with him, but said he'd be careful. Perhaps that was why he survived. He came back missing an arm, but he was alive. He'd never use jutsu quite the same, but he was alive. Alive, alive, alive! Grandma grew him a new arm down the line, so that's aces in my book!_

_When Pain came back for round I fought him and talked him down; imagine my surprise when he voluntarily resurrected everyone who'd died in battle. It nearly killed him, but there you are. Once he'd recovered enough-again, Tsunade, best damn medic ever-he was more than willing to tell us about the Akatsuki. He spilled all their secrets gladly._

_Itachi came back; because of course he did._

_I think he wanted to see Sasuke, or barring that, die, but grandma wasn't having any of it. O__nce she got her claws into him he wasn't going anywhere. Never seen someone resolve to live solely out of spite. Danzo didn't see that coming now, did he? Now he'll never see anything again._

_As for the rest of of Akatsuki...heh._

_What do you think happened to them, hmm?_

_I'll give you three guesses and the first two don't count._

_Aaaaaand there you have it. That's it. That's where my story ended._

_I am Naruto. Lord of Toads and Sage Supreme. __I never fell in love-Rikudo knows I tried-and though I occasionally knew the warmth of a woman in my bed it never felt...what's the word I'm looking for? Lasting. There it is! None of those flings endured for very long. I never found that special someone I was looking for. That's the long and short of it. Eventually became Hokage, and died at the ripe old age of eighty. The village lives on. Itachi even founded his own clan again before that illness finally got the better of him. Now the Uchiha are happy and thriving here in the leaf. So why does it feel like I missed something terribly important?_

_Eh?_

_A wish?_

_Sure, I have one._

_I want to find that feeling again._

_I...want to find someone who cares. Really cares._

_Someone I can love, you know? Or someones. I'm not picky._

_Someone who understands me for I am; someone who I can understand in turn. _

_I want to start a family of my own. What?! Is that so wrong?! Don't give me that look!_

* * *

_(...0o0o0...)_

* * *

He'd choked.

Considering his less-than-stellar experience when it came to all things magical, Waver wasn't surprised when the summoning invariably blew up in his face. Dismayed to be sure, upset as well, but even _he_ hadn't been wholly unexpectant of the whole thing falling apart in the first place. He knew on some level that the summoning had gone terribly, horribly wrong. When your catalyst was little more than a scrap of scarlet cape, who knew what might emerge, if anything at all? He was trying to summon a hero after all; he'd staked everything on this opportunity. If it failed...

Noxious white smoke roiled free from the summoning circle and spilled out into the forest clearing, bringing with it naught but silence.

"H-Hello?" he stammered out into the dark. "Is anyone there...?"

No one answered his humble plea.

He'd failed, then.

_No._ The young magus ruthlessly steered his thoughts back onto the proper path before they could derail him once more. He could do this. He would do this. He'd been chosen by the Grail and had the Command Spells to prove it. So he should've summoned something, even if it took a few seconds to arrive. This had to work. It would _workohgodwhyamisodizzy?_

His magic circuits_ burned _and the world _shook._

One moment the forest was eerily silent, as though it were holding its breath; like the calm before a storm. Then something _landed _as though flung from a great height; their arrival rattled earth and stone alike, uprooted trees and sent them spinning to the ground like matchsticks. The raw impact knocked the boy right on his arse and as such, he found himself gaping at the new arrival.

**"FINALLY!"** a thunderous voice ripped through the clearing like a thunderbolt. **"Do you have any _idea_ how long I was waiting?!"**

Waver blinked once.

Then...thrice.

Five times.

"What." he managed eloquently. It wasn't even a question. "The fuck."

Because there was suddenly someone _standing _there amidst the smoke, arms folded before their broad chest. Indeed, he found himself face to face-more like gazing up, really-with a young man nearly a head taller than him. Wild blue eyes gazed back at him, crinkling slightly alongside whiskered cheeks. Shaggy blond hair spilled down his shoulders in an uncontrolled mess, a spiky mane only narrowly reigned in by a crimson headband wrapped around his forehead. Clad in orange and black, in crimson cloak, with a giant scroll slung against his back, the newcomer gazed down at him.

Bemused blue eyes gleamed oddly bright in the waning moonlight.

"Hey, there!" a lone arm rose in an effortless wave. "You're the one who summoned me, right?"

Waver released a breath he hadn't even been aware he'd been holding. The newcomer's smile was positively infectious, he almost caught himself returning it, even.

"Are you...Rider?"

"Nope." the Servant shook their head. "Never heard of it. I'm a Sage."

Waver found himself given pause.

Although his knowledge of the Holy Grail war was admittedly limited in scope compared to the other Masters, he well aware that _Sage _wasn't a class. Saber, Lancer, Archer, Berserker, Assassin and Caster, now _those _were the seven proper classes_._ Some theorized that there were other outliers that could be summoned or corrupted under certain conditions, but he was fairly certain Sage wasn't one of them.

He said as much.

...that's not a class."

Blue eyes crinkled. "Yes it is."

His brow began to furrow. "No, it isn't."

"Is." Sage smiled serenely at him, his expression never waving.

_"Isn't."_ The magus swore. He was not about to argue with his Servant over this...

"Are you sure?"

_...aaaaaaaand_ yet he found himself drawn in anyway, his own stubborn pride betraying him in spite of his best efforts to hold it in. On some subconscious level he knew he was being baited-or tested-but he couldn't bring himself to care. There was only the Servant before him and that sly, infuriating smile. Almost as if he _knew_ what he was doing

"Of course I'm sure!"

That sly smile broadened.

"But are you really, REALLY sure?"

"Aaaargh!" exasperated, the young man tore at his hair. "Enough!"

"As you wish." the whiskered warrior chirruped happily. "Anything else you'd like to ask?"

Waver paused.

"Well," he ventured awkwardly," Why not tell me about yourself?"

It was the worst thing to say.

Waver had no way of knowing the mind of his Servant; they were a closed book to him. Though a Master and their Servant could communicate telepathically in theory, they couldn't read one another's mind. And for all of his blind bluster, Waver _needed _to know what his Servant was capable of. This was no mindless familiar but a living, breathing person-a hero straight out of the past-one capable of rational thought and likely independent action on a terrifying scale. Also, a bit of a prankster. Alright, a _lot _of a prankster. He was never the sort to miss an opportunity, least of all one such as this.

_I think I'll torment him a little._

The Servant Known as Sage chuckled inwardly.

"Me?" he tilted his head, the ever-so-faintest smile drawing upon the corners of his mouth. You know, he almost found this familiar somehow. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto. Things I like and things I hate...I don't feel like telling you that, seeing as you're much too young." He was definitely smiling down at him. "My abilities are...well, you'll see those soon enough. My dreams for the future...classified. My hobbies...well, I have plenty of hobbies."

"That didn't tell me anything at all!"

"Of course it did." Naruto happily poked a hole in his argument. "Now you know my name."

"I...you...that doesn't help...!"

Blue eyes crinkled shut in a lazy eye-smile.

"Should've been more specific, then." came the riposte.

Oh, gods. This was going to be hell. If he had to argue with him over every other word...!

"Say," Naruto hummed suddenly, "You're kinda weak, aint'cha?"

Those words struck him like a physical slap in the face; in an instant he was back in the Clock Tower, the laughter of his peers echoing in his ears. He could see Kayneth's cruel leer clear as day as though he stood before him here and now. He could feel his leaden feet, refusing to move, helpless to do anything but stand as the man tore his thesis apart before his very eyes. His face burned and his hands balled into fists at his sides. Weak, they'd called him. Powerless. The last foolish son of a dead line. As if hard work could possibly make him anything like the rest of _them._ Failure, they'd called him. Low-class. Fake.

He absolutely _hissed. _

"You take that back!"

"Whoa, now! Hey! Calm down!" the Sage batted his hand aside and waved his own frantically as the young Master rounded on him and tried to slug him for his offhanded comment. "I didn't mean anything by it! I was just making an observation, you know! Its alright!"he reassured him. "You're not going to slow me down! I've got a way around it!"

Waver willed himself to breathe.

Reluctantly, his anger began to abate, bit by bit.

But it was still _there,_ an angry molten core in his chest.

"Even so, that doesn't mean I'm going to give up." Waver grumbled.

At that, the self-styled Sage considered him for a long and ponderous moment.

"Alright." a fist slammed down into his open palm, causing the skittish boy to start momentarily. "You've got spunk, no more than that! _You've got fire!_ You tried to punch someone way out of your league, just because ya thought they were talking down to you!" a toothy grin bloomed on his face. "Just for that, I'm going to make sure you win."

This decree was so wholly and utterly unexpected that Waver found himself taken back. His jaw came unhinged and much to his chagrin, he actually gaped for a moment.

Then sense reasserted itself with a vengeance and he jabbed a finger against his Servant's cloak. Naruto merely quirked a brow at the rant that followed.

"What?!" he sputtered out. "You can't possibly say that! You have no idea who we're up against! That's just reckless!"

"That's what makes it fun, Master!" Sage beamed happily. "The excitement! The thrill of the hunt! Who knows what we might face?! Some of these Servants could be _women!_ Fierce warriors! Legendary beauties from ages long past and forgotten! I might even find a wife here! Aren't you at all _excited_ about this?!"

"No! I'm not! " Waver snapped back, fists balling at his sides. "Not in the least! And why aren't you listening to me?! You're being way too nonchalant about all this!"

"Hmm?" Naruto tilted his head. "Am I? You know, when you've already died once, death tends to lose its meaning for you, I suppose. So what about you, then?"

The sudden inquiry caught the young magus off guard; if only because it was so_...personal._ Sage-whom he strongly suspected was a Rider but refused to admit it for some reason or another-had shifted gears on him with such speed that he found himself somewhat taken aback.

"Excuse me?"

Those strange golden eyes narrowed on him. "What. Do. You want."

He hung his head, dark hair shading his eyes from view. Good. In this moment he didn't _want_ to seen.

...I want to be acknowledged." the words tumbled out of him all at once. "I want the world to recognize me, to see what I'm trying to do-

He never got to finish that sentence.

"Well said!"

A hand slammed down on his shoulder with such force that the young man physically yelped. When he dared to raise his gaze he found those blazing blue eyes mere inches from his own; for his Servant had bent down to get a better look at him. There was a high, wild light in his eyes, not particularly menacing, yet it concerned him all the same. He'd inadvertently said the one thing that could win Naruto to his side; secure a loyalty strong as the earth and fiercer than any storm.

Now, some might call Naruto flighty.

Perhaps he was, in a sense.

_Especially this one._

Ah, but if he considered you a friend! That...that changed things. He'd fight for you. Live for you. Die for you, if need be. He would stand with you, through victory or defeat. It was an easy thing to win his friendship; you just had to be honest with yourself and possess some semblance of decency. If you were a good person, all the better. Waver was one of the few-if not only-mages in this war that possessed such admirable qualities. He'd never killed anyone. Never betrayed anyone besides Kayneth, but lets face it dear reader, that man is an ass and deserves everything he gets. In this moment, here and now, Waver had gained himself a lifelong friend.

Of course, he had no way of knowing any of this. He could only gape up at his Servant.

Naruto grinned.

It was not a nice smile.

"You and me? We're gonna go far, kid."

He offered him his hand. Waver seized it instantly.

_And just like that, a most unlikely Holy Grail War began._

**A/N: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand there we go! So it begins!**

**Sage!Naruto arrives in style. And I did warn you, he's a bit of a troll.**

**Think of him as a big brother to Waver of sorts. Poor kid certainly needs one.**

**Trust me, you are not prepared for the sheer level of shenanigans I have in store for you here. We're talking "A Most Unlikely Card" and "NGH" levels of crazy. I may be creating Darker Naruto as of late-there's a reason and a plot for that, I assure you-but there is a method to my madness. **

**Also!**

**Why the hell doesn't Nitocris or Scheherazade have a character tag in the Fate fandom?! Or Mysterious Heroine X for that matter! Somebody get on that! ****I feel I should also say this; THE ENTIRE ROSTER_-bar one-_has been changed for this war. YES, Mysterious Heroine X *Cough* Saber *Cough* is going to be in this. Felt like I've been ignoring her far too much as of late.**

**So In the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

**...Review, Would You Kindly?**

**And enjoy the previews!**

***grins hellishly***

**(Previews)**

_"I think I'm going to make you my apprentice when this War ends."_

_Waver tripped on an upturned root and only narrowly caught himself. __"Excuse me?!"_

_"You heard me. I never got around to training one in my lifetime. What, did you really think I'd just let the Grail take me once this is done? Nooooononono." Sage's hand waved in a dismissive chop as they walked. "Not happening. Not at all. I have plans, you see, though we'll have to find a way to work around those magic circuits of yours; I'm not certain they work the same as chakra...oh, wait!" golden eyes regarded him with a half-lidded expression. "Say, kid. I've got an idea." he leaned closer. "Do you know what chakra is?"_

_...I'm not going to like this, am I." Waver swallowed._

_"Nope~!"_

* * *

_"Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeck neeeeeeeeeeeeeck!"_

_"What the hell?!"_

_"Eh, just felt like the right thing to say in this situation."_

* * *

_Naruto whistled softly. __"I think I'm in love."_

_Then his opponent smacked him headlong into the air._

_If his Servant was laughing the entire time, Waver pretended not to notice._

* * *

_"How are you not exhausted?"_

_A lone finger flicked his forehead._

_"Sage Mode, pal. There was a REASON I wanted to sit still for a full day. You don't have the best reserves so I've been pulling from my own."_

* * *

_"Did...did you just turn him into a frog?"_

_Sage yawned. "What? Little punk was being loud."_

* * *

_"I...you..the bridge! How did you do that?!"_

_"It was in the way."_

**R&R!=D**


	2. A Most Unlikely Misfortune

**A/N: *EDIT* **

**BLOODY TYPO!**

**And the trolls are back in the comments, drowning out reviews.**

**Suspend your disbelief for this chapter.**

**You'll have a much better time that way. Hope you enjoy it~!**

** As ever, I own no references, quotes, or relation to certain media.**

**I just like to play around with words, that's what writers do these days, after all~!**

**Is anybody else getting duplicate notifications from the site every now and again? Bloody annoying that is.**

**Not only does it confuse me on how many reviews I'm getting for each chapter, but it keeps filling up my inbox like crazy.**

**I've been updating DAILY since the beginning of August and haven't missed a day yet. I hope that makes people happy. I really can't tell...**

**Also...**

**Could the trolls please stop? I've given up deleting the anonymous reviews, because they just reappear in an hour or so and its making me upset. I've also had a rather nasty chap known as "Doom Marine" chanting at me to kill myself in the review section of some stories. Look if you don't believe me. Jokes on him though, that's not my real name.**

***Secondary Edit***

**Remember, folks! Multiverse theory! I'm sorry if that upsets some people. I've gotten some harsh, biting words over it and I keep telling folks that I'm building a universe here. Its all connected, in the oddest sort of ways.**

**But these days...life really gets kinda hard sometimes, you know?**

**Especially with the flames...cruel...nasty, vicious flames...**

**...and that makes me a sad boy.**

**Still! I shall persevere!**

**Viva la updates~!**

**Now onto the questions!**

**How I missed answering these~!**

**Q: How many timelines are out there?  
**

**A: There are multiple endings and routes to be sure, branching paths from the true timeline. For example! Fate Stay Night has three ending sthat I'm sure most of you are aware of. Fate, Unlimited Blade Works, and Heavens feel. But for every true route and every ending. There are also...bad ends. Dead-end timelines spawned from a single bad choice, timelines that destroyed themselves. Yet sometimes Servants from those remain. Miserable beings crippled by pain and loss so deep that it changes them. They become Alters. Or worse...**

**Trust me when I say that the Servants from those are messed up.**

**Additionally, some Servants recognize Naruto because their memories of him are deeply engraved into their very souls. Case in point, in Grand Order Semiramis deeply remembers Shirou from all the events of Apocrypha and kiss they shared moments before they died. But she acknowledges that it wasn't "Her" but another Semiramis. So she's reluctant to act on those feelings.**

**All the timelines are slowly merging. Memories. Emotions. Souls.**

**And when they do, when the True Villain is finally revealed...**

**...they might have a bad time.**

**Mind you, we have a few candidates for that role. There are antagonists throughout the series to be sure, but none of these Dark!Naruto's are the big bad.**

**Q: Aren't you going to update other stuff besides Fate stories?**

**A: I have. Quite a bit in fact. Look through the list of recently updates tales for more information there.**

**Q: ****How in the hell are you updating daily? You sell your soul or something?**

**A: Nope! Cloned myself. Believe it or not, I write at work when I get the chance. Just...whip out the 'ol cell phone and start typing. Its a bit of a double-edged sword; on one hand I'm able to write far faster because of that but it also means writing's beginning to feel like work a little bit. I haven't had a change to go surfing in awhile since the start of august or do any of the other things I normally do either at that...**

**Hmm. **

**Problematic.**

**Q: When is A Most Unlikely Berserker coming out?**

**A: Soon! I need to update a few other things first, but its coming along nicely. Remember, I work two jobs and don't have much free time. Its easier to crank out smaller chapters for other stories but Berserker has a LOT of moving parts, which makes it a right difficult beast to reign in even on the best of days.**

**Q: Naruto's acting like Kakashi and trolling the world. Brilliant. Can't wait to see what he does next.**

**A: Damn straight. Its always nice to find a balance between drama and humor.**

**Now then, I think I've kept you folks long enough!**

**Timeskip of a few hours here, FYI...**

_"No. Not you. It can't be you...!"_

_~?_

**A Most Unlikely Misfortune**

_"You're late!"  
_

"Am I, now?" Naruto tilted his head as he finished materializing on the bed.

"Yes!" the young magus sputter incoherently. "You are! You just left out of the blue! Give me some warning next time!"

His Servant uttered a jaw-popping yawn. "I was under the impression you didn't want me to be seen by your "grandparents", or somesuch."

Waver's protests lurched to a grinding halt in his throat as he slumped back into the chair he'd all but leaped out of. While it was true that he had hypnotized an elderly couple into believing that he was a relation of theirs, he hadn't done it with any malicious intent. With his funds at an all time low and the war about to commence, he desperately needed a place to stay. Somewhere he could lay low. A place that would be overlooked by the opposition. In that, he'd succeeded spectacularly. No one who called themselves a noble would dare dirty their nose by coming down here.

After all, who would think to look for a Master and Servant in a humble cottage?

Unfortunately, it also meant his Servant was able to come and go in his astral form as he pleased.

Which _he'd done at some point_ when Velvet wasn't looking. Much to his consternation, he'd only just now returned.

"Still!" Reluctantly, he rallied. "You just left out of the blue without warning!I called for you three hours ago! Where were you?!"

A cheeky smile bloomed on the blond's face. "Why, that simple. I got lost on the road of life. Then a black cat crossed my path, so I had to go all the way around-

"BULL. SHIT."

That innocent grin warped into something decidedly deadly. "Good! You actually called me on it for once. You're_ learning."_

Why did those words _not _fill him with Determination?

"Still," the Sage continued, "If you must know, my Master, I was scouting. Setting up supply caches, traps, ambush points, markers, seals, that sort of thing." Crossing his legs on the mattress, he leaned forward and gave him a flick on the forehead. "I even left one right here. You were never in any danger...although," his smile faltered a bit, "All those preparations did tax my energy a bit...

"How are you not tired?"

A glimmer of gold danced through those blue eyes.

"Sage Mode, pal. There was a REASON I wanted to sit still for a full day." the whiskered warrior paused, considering him anew. "You've got lots of heart, but a lot of my tricks are very chakra intensive, so I've been pulling from my own reserves...which reminds me!"

As he looked on, his Servant withdrew what appeared to be a scroll from his back pocket. A quick pulse of something was drawn down out into said scroll, allowing him to draw forth a neatly folded wad of bills that looked a great deal like...oho. Oho? Ohohoho! That was a lot of money. He'd never seen so much in one place before. So where had he gotten all of these? There was enough money there to live comfortably for several months, if not a year _aaaaaaaaaaand_ he was pulling out more. Where was all this coming from?!

"Naruto, what the hell?!" Waver couldn't help but guffaw in sheer incredulity.

"What?!" His Servant sniffed. "You said it yourself; you needed money. So I mugged a few...dozen...gangsters. You'd be surprised how much they were carrying around."

"Did you mess with the mafia?!"

"Nope. Disguised myself." came the instant retort. "They're currently chasing a man who doesn't exist. I'll tell you about it later."

"Did you find anything else, then?" he ventured. In all honestly, he was almost afraid to ask.

"Something like that." that sly grin grew. "Hang on. First time's always a bitch."

Waver blanched as a hand seized his sleeve. "Wait, what are-

YOINK.

_And the world lurched._

One moment he'd been sitting comfortably in a chair, rubbing the rising welt on his forehead; in the next Naruto grabbed him and they were, quite simply, somewhere else. In place of the gentle warmth of his room a cold breeze blasted across his face as he found himself standing atop the dizzying scaffold of a towering bridge overlooking a bay of water. Bereft of his balance the young magus pinwheeled his arms frantically to avoid going over the edge before Naruto reeled him back in like a drunken fish.

"Told you," his Servant hummed. "Hiraishin's a piece of work, it takes some time to get used to warping like that. Usually...

Inertia and sheer momentum caught up to Waver all at once and his stomach revolted violently.

"BLEARGH!

...that happens the first time." Naruto finished with a grimace.

So went the last tattered remnants of his meal, lost into the waters of the Bay.

"There, there." a hand coated in soothing chakra rubbed against his back. "You'll be alright, kiddo."

And he was, eventually.

Straddling a metal girder Waver reluctantly forced himself to sit still-lest he fall to his doom!-even as another stiff breeze battered at his face. From here, he found he had a prime vantage point of most of Fuyuki. He could see the deeper parts of the city in the distance, glimpse the docks further south, even see a few cars driving by below them without a care in the world. It felt...peaceful up here. Serene even. You could stay up here in the evening for hours, and no one would bother you. He didn't even notice when his Servant passed him a cold can of something-likely drawn from another of his scrolls-and only realized it was soda after he took a tentative sip.

"So?" Naruto prodded him. "What's our battle plan?"

Waver nearly snorted his drink. "Wait, you're letting _me_ decide things now?"

"Yup." his comrade braced his hands on a steel beam and drank deeply of the night air. "I meant what I said earlier; if you're going to learn to lead, you might as well start early." Quick as a flash, his hand flitted forward to poke Waver's forehead again. "Now's as good a time as any...so lead away."

...I don't believe you." the boy grumbled, clutching his can. "This is another trick, isn't it?"

_"Waver!"_ Naruto feigned a gasp and clutched at his chest. "You wound me, my adorable student! Why, to even suggest that I would be capable of such treachery! I am hurt!" He reeled as though he would topple backward and fall off the bridge at any moment. "Its too much! I cannot go on!"

"Alright, alright!" exasperation-and a faint smile-plucked at his expression as he watched his Servant right himself. "You win."

His ally waited patiently, head in his hands.

"Well," Waver managed weakly, "What _you_ said earlier makes sense-we should gather more intel on the other Masters and Servants before we face them. After all," and here a faint touch of color rose to his cheeks as he remembered how all this had begun, "Kayneth was going to summon you, but since I stole your catalyst from him, its likely that he-

"Wait." a hand snapped up, forestalling him. "Run that bit by me again. The last part. You said you stole me?"

A pit of dread opened in the boy's stomach, threatening to swallow him whole. "Are you...angry?"

He wasn't prepared for the laughter, nor the sudden explosion of sound that followed.

_"Bahahaha! Oh, kid! I didn't know you had it in you!"_

This time, Naruto really _did _tumble off the bridge, though he caught himself and swung back up not a heartbeat later. There was a wild light to his eyes as he landed, a demented gleam that both comforted and concerned the young man at the same time. He nearly jumped when the Servant clamped a hand down on his shoulder.

"Looks like you're not as straight-laced as you lead others to believe, Master." he grinned, delivering him a strong slap on the back. "Keep this up, and I might have to reevaluate my opinion of you."

_"Gurk."_ Waver said eloquently. "You're never going to let me live this down, are you?"

"Nope!" Naruto beamed and settled back into a loose crouch on the rusted steel once more. "So. This Kayneth fellow. What's he like?"

"He's an ass." Waver surprised even himself with his response.

"Hey now, don't stop there!" Naruto prodded him. "Tell me more! I wanna hear this!"

So he told him; he told him everything. Waver might fear his old teacher and the power he wielded, but in the same vein he also loathed Kayneth and all that he stood for. That man...not only had he humiliated him before his peers, but he'd gone so far as to tear up his research in front of everyone. His life's work. And then he'd insulted him for it. That insufferable smile, that arrogance, the wholehearted belief that he was better than all of them just because he'd been born into the right family, been spoon fed power and prestige...!

And at the end of it all Master and Servant both burst out into a fit of laughter.

"Well!" Naruto crowed. "I think we know who our first target is."

"Assuming he's in this war." Wave jabbed a finger into his ally's chest. "He might've given up, you know."

"No," An unfamiliar gleam glanced through the Sage's gaze. "Trust me, someone like him will never give up. His head's too far up his own arse to see daylight." Again, that small predatory smile bloomed. "I'd bet my right arm that he's involved in this war somehow. If he tries anything, I'll take him down."

A beat of silence passed between the two.

"I think I'm going to make you my apprentice when this War ends."

Waver nearly fell off the bridge and only narrowly caught himself. "Excuse me?!"

"You heard me. I never got around to training one in my lifetime. What, did you really think I'd just let the Grail take me once this is done? Nooooononono." Sage's hand waved in a dismissive chop as the wind continued to whistle around them. "Not happening. Not at all. I have plans, you see, though we'll have to find a way to work around those magic circuits of yours; I'm not certain they work the same as chakra...oh, wait!" golden eyes regarded him with a half-lidded expression. "Say, kid. I've got an idea." he leaned closer. "Do you know what chakra is?"

...I'm not going to like this, am I." Waver swallowed.

"Nope~!"

A distant pop of sound swallowed whatever words Waver might've mustered. Naruto must've heard it as well; because the Servant's eyes lit up. Sure enough, Waver saw the flare from afar; a distant beacon of light rising high into the sky before detonating in a shower of brilliant sparks. Waver followed its arc and immediately found its origin at the docks. Well. If that wasn't a blatant challenge, he didn't know what was. Could it be a trap of some kind? A ruse meant to lure them in? Was he simply being paranoid about all this?

In the end, the choice was made for him.

"Oh," Naruto murmured. "Looks like the party started without us. Lets get going, then! Our grand adventure awaits!"

In a single fluid movement, his Servant bounded upright. Lancing with impeccable balance he raised both arms and brought both thumbs to his mouth. Then he bit down. _Hard._ Waver grimaced as he watched a trail of raw red blood sluice down the blond's digits, but even as tried to ask _what the devil his Servant was doing_, the whiskered warrior brought both palms down atop the metal scaffolding with a triumphant shout. Black inky script webbed out from those bloodied hands to create a massive plume of smoke.

And the bridge creaked ominously.

Waver was a mage. He'd seen all manner of phenomena in his life, even a few mysteries and concepts that shouldn't theoretically exist. All of that paled compared to the sheer bulk of what he was looking at here and now before him, sitting atop the bent bridge as though it were no more than a house made of driftwood.

That was...a very large toad.

"Hey, Gamakichi!" Naruto waved up a the large red amphibian.

_"You know him?!"_

"Long time no see, Naruto!" the creature rumbled, drowning out Waver's incredulous shout. "You look good for a dead man."

"What can I say?" Rider beamed cheekily. "Death looks good on me these days. Mind doing me a solid? I need to get across the water in a hurry."

That great face loomed larger, nearly sending Waver fumbling off the bridge. "That depends, boss. You're not going to use Hiraishin on me again, are you?"

There was only the faintest pause. "N-Nope! No worries, old friend."

"Oh." a giant eye blinked. "Good. Hop on, then."

Before Waver-or Gamakichi-could even think to offer so much as a token of protest, Naruto grabbed the former and summarily vaulted atop the latter. The young magi had just enough time to latch onto the summon's all too leathery back before the toad tensed. Already taxed by his great bulk, the bridge bent even further, red steel warping with a horrendous shriek. Something told Waver it wasn't going to hold much longer. Naruto didn't much seem to care; he was already grabbing a handful of Gama's coat and holding on for dear life. The other latched onto Waver's right arm.

"Hold tight, kiddo."

In a single bound, the frog leaped.

_And the bridge buckled._

Waver heard it before he saw it, for the sudden rush of wind was all but drowned out by the shrieking of shattering steel. Had that been the end of it, they might've escaped without drawing attention. As it stood however, the sheer force of Gamakichi's leap, coupled with his already impressive bulk, finally proved too much for the old thing. Steel and asphalt tore themselves apart, held on a moment longer, then pitched down into the black waters of the bay with a might splash.

THWOOM!

Thankfully, no one had been driving across it at that moment, but even so, the destruction was impressive and witnessed by dozens. There wasn't even anything left to salvage. Only destruction. Even as the unlikely trio hurtled away into the night-another mighty leap carrying them out onto the water-Waver could still see the scope of destruction as it receded into the distance.

"I...you..the bridge! Its gone! How did you...

Naruto chuckled sheepishly.

...oops? So, about that teleporting bit." He suddenly looked apologetic. "Yeah, you see...I may have...

He fished out a kunai from its sheathe and Waver went ashen. "Naruto, I swear to GOD-

Gamakichi growled. "Boy, don't you fucking DARE-

He grinned like a fox. "I may have lied."

With that, Waver's world turned inside out once more.

_Ohgodgonnabesickagain..._

Reality snapped back all at once and the poor boy narrowly had time to swallow his rising gorge before the ground rushed up to greet them. Gamakichi crashed into the docks with all the force of an avalanche; indeed, the giant toad's abrupt and sudden displacement of air ripped shipping containers and cranes alike from the ground. In the ensuing cloud of smoke, Waver sadly lot the battle with his stomach once more.

"Duck!"

Until someone seized him by the scruff of the neck.

A hooked lance cut through the dust to swing for his head only to be met by a giant webbed hand as Naruto's mount trapped them against the ground. The other assailant proved wilier, aborting their leap to vault away lest she likewise be captured by the toad. For a moment, just a moment, Waver glimpsed a snarling face under a black cap and a body clad in a blue muffler before they retreated into their astral form. Then the toad snarled and he realized the fist Servant that he'd captured had simply hacked through his hand and escaped in a bloodier fashion.

To make matters worse, Rider chose that moment to banish the haze entirely with a blast of wind.

Too late, Waver recognized his Servant's expression.

Surely he wasn't going to...

"Sorry for the interruption!" much to his abject horror Naruto planted his feet, threw his head back and stroke up an absurd pose, flinging up one arm as he cackled madly. "My name is Uzumaki Naruto! My class is Rider! If anyone's hiding, then come out! I'll take you all on! Wahahaha!"

...he was gonna.

"RIIIIIIIIIDER!" Waver wailed!

"What?! I can be honest when I want to be!"

Waver wanted to scream. To tear at his hair and run away.

As luck would have it, they had crashed headlong into the middle of a Servant's battle; worse, they'd instantly gained the ire of both opponents. Though he was safe and secure atop Gamakichi's head, it didn't change the fact that they were in the middle of a war. Any Servant worth their salt could jump high enough to reach them. He felt exposed out here, even with Rider at his side. They could be attacked at any moment, torn apart into little pieces and _whywhywhydidhethinkhewasreadyforthis?!_

"Ho?" one of the Servants purred. "You have some nerve interrupting our battle. You even let my prey escape."

Without thinking, he rounded on the voice.

Looking at her eyes...hurt.

Here was a peerless yet cruel beauty, her voluptuous body clad in a flowing black robe that both tempted and teased anyone foolish enough to stare overlong. Vicious red ink threaded across her visible skin, lending hints as to what lay beneath her sinful attire. Her pale visage narrowed in disgust, as she swept a hand through her pale hair. Those golden eyes gleamed furiously, almost with a hint of something. She dared half of a hesitant step forward, careful to stay out of Gamakichi's reach.

"You seem...familiar, boy." there it was again. That flicker of hesitation. "Have we met...?"

"Beautiful, I'd _remember_ someone like you." Naruto shot back. "Definitely."

"Foolish boy," she snarled, "Don't you know snakes _eat_ toads?"

"Honey, you could eat me all day." Naruto snarked back.

Her nose wrinkled. "How crude."

"Blame my upbringing."

This was undoubtedly Lancer, or so Waver reasoned. He could see the hooked weapon she wielded-avoid the eyes!-and the way she'd struck at him earlier suggested a bloodthirstiness that he wanted _no _part of. Even now she was looking at him like he was a prime cut of meat to be devoured. His anxiety spiked further still. Oh god. He was going to have a panic attack at this rate. He clutched at his head and hunched down, trying to make himself as small a target as possible, even as he saw the woman tense and knew it was all for naught...

"So it was you, of all people." a new voice chimed.

Waver's heart skipped a beat; because he knew that tone.

It made him want to curl up and hide, to shrivel away and die.

"I was wondering what madness compelled you to steal my relic," familiar words echoed into the night, "But I never imagined that you were planning on entering the Holy Grail War yourself...Waver Velvet." the magus all but curled in on himself as someone stepped out of the shadows, fear overriding common sense. "Perhaps I'll have to give you some extra lessons as a special case. The true meaning of magi killing one another...

No doubt about it now.

That was most assuredly his old teacher Kayneth sneering down at him, stepping out of the shadows of a shipping crane. "Yes, I'll teach you ALL about the fear and pain involved. You should feel honored-GACK?!"

A stone sailed out of the darkness and struck him right between the eyes, cutting off his seething diatribe.

"And there's the arse of the hour!" Naruto stabbed a finger forward. "You must be Kayneth."

"I am LORD El-Melloi, yes." the noble bristled viciously, rubbing his forehead.

"Great." Naruto hummed. "I'm gonna kill you now."

Kayneth all but choked.

"Wha-?!"

"See this kid? " A hand planted itself on Waver's shoulder and shook him for emphasis. "He's not just my Master. He's gonna be my apprentice. This young man has more heart and soul then you could ever dream of! He actually came into battle with me. You were going to summon _me?_ I don't think so! Just look at you! Skulking about in the shadows while your Servant does all the work. Come down here and fight us yourself if you want to talk big, little man!"

Kayneth absolutely hissed. "Lancer, change of plans. Kill that boy's Servant. Now."

"With pleasure-

Lancer never had the chance to finish that sentence.

In that moment a swirl of black smoke manifested between them.

Whomever this was, she looked to have seen better days. Their horned helmet had been beaten and battered, one such horn all but snapped off at the base. Indeed, their armor might've been pure once upon a time, but now that silver-and-red suit was little more than tarnished steel shot through with blue-black plate. Snatches of crimson carvings could be seen as the newcomer crept forward. Slowly, jerkily, their helmet turned towards Naruto. Their body stiffened. Froze. Then it began to tremble.

That ghastly helmet snapped down to reveal their face.

Corrupted steel disassembled rapidly, exposing a visage similar to that of the cap-clad Saber...yet wholly different. Hers was a rough beauty, a tan face gone pale, shot through with veins of corruption. Her eyes might've been green once upon a time; now they were wide and gold and brimming with madness.

**"You...you...I'LL KILL YOU!"**

Naruto swore softly to himself. "Well. Shit."

Then his opponent smacked him right off Gamakichi's head and into the earth.

If the enemy Servant was howling at him the entire time, Waver pretended not to notice.

Mordred, once the knight of Rebellion, now a twisted wreck of her former self, lunged forward.

**A/N: MAKE SURE YOU READ THIS!**

**Some classes have been changed! So read on!**

**Why, you ask? Because it contains important information.**

**If you don't read it you're going to be lost. You don't want that, do you?**

**Now, then! in terms of classes-while listing all their Masters-we have the following!**

**Saber=Mysterious Herione X. Her Master is Emiya Kiritsugu, clearly. Poor bastard. I almost pity him.**

**Berserker=Mordred. Her Master is Kariya this time around for reasons that will be explained. *EDIT* ****Berserker!Mordred doesn't strictly in the Fate canon yet. I mean, she DOES and we're likely going to get her soon but we haven't gotten an image of her to my knowledge. I'll change her appearance when its official.**

**Lancer=Adult Medusa. Her Master is Kayneth. She appeared in the Fate Grand Order movie.**

**Asssassin=Carmilla. (Guess which form!) Her Master is Kotomine.**

**?=?. Master not yet named.**

**Archer=*whistles innocently* Their Master will be Ryunosuke.**

**Caster= GILGAMESH. Of course, their Master is none other than, Tokiomi.**

**Sage=Naruto. His Master is the one and only, Waver Velvet.**

**Also, trolling Naruto is best Naruto, but he's serious when it counts as you've seen.**

_**LISTEN!**_

**The Mordred is this story is an Alter. A different iteration of Mordred, a Servant from a timeline where everything went wrong. She. Is not. From Unlikely Berserker. Not the true ending. ****To put it bluntly? She's from a bad end. An alternate end. An ending where things went terribly, horribly wrong. AN ENDING WHERE EVERYONE DIED. **

**Consider that for a moment before anyone starts throwing flak.**

**What's that you say? An extra Servant? That's deliberate. This is one of those rare wars that has an additional class. Speaking of class! Before anyone complains, ****Medusa is a recurring theme in some -but not all-of these stories for a REASON. Girl's got so many classes its not even funny. First there's her Child!Lancer form in A Most Unlikely Assassin. Then we have her Rider form in Caster and another story. She's Gorgon in A Most Unlikely Saber. And now someone tells me she's getting an Assassin class?! EH?! **

**Reviews are love, Reviews are Life. Reviews keep me alive.**

**Despite the flamers and harassers howling for my head.**

**So In the Immortal Words of Atlas...**

**...Review, Would You Kindly?**

**And enjoy the previews!**

**Get ready for feels.**

**(Previews)**

_"Hang on, Waver!"_

_"Wait, why did you say-YEARGH?!"_

* * *

_Assassin laughed._

_"My, my! You're a new face, boy!"_

_"Sorry, I wanna keep my blood where it is thankyouverymuch!"_

* * *

_"You're...sparing me? But why?! I tried to kill you!"_

_He didn't move. "Hit me if you want to. I won't dodge this time."_

_So she did. He only turned the other cheek. And the other. Again and again._

_**"I hate you!"** she cried!** "You have his face! You're just like him! ****But you're not him!"**_

_She struck him again and he grunted as she raged. **"It was all his fault! Where was he?! WHERE DID YOU GO?!"**_

_He only moved when she drew her sword; and even then only to catch her wrist. Then the other when she lashed out. That was all it took._

_**"You left when I needed you most...I died because of you...you said you would be there and you weren't! You promised! You swore! YOU LIED!"**_

_Sobbing, she collapsed against him, madness draining from her eyes.** "Liar..**.liar..._

_Naruto awkwardly patted her back._

* * *

_"I see, I see. So you're Caster Gilgamesh. That's...good?"_

_Caster didn't waver in the least. "You're still my enemy, regardless."_

_Naruto's smile turned strained. "I really don't want to fight you, ya know."_

_"Then you are wiser than I thought." _

_He didn't hesitate; the moment his fellow blond opened the book, he ducked._

_And the air boiled gold._

* * *

Ryunosuke croaked in horror.

_"Ribbit." he said softly. "Ribbit? RIBBIT?!"_

_"Did...did you just turn that guy into a frog?!"_

_Sage yawned. "What? Little punk was being loud. Strange, it doesn't usually work on mages...now, where did his Servant go-_

_The air boiled. __"GET DOWN!"_

**R&R!=D**


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